The difference between big girls and small girls

  My roommate is a big girl-just like me. And the other day, she was telling me how guys actually found big girls dependable and having a gold value to be used. So, at that time, I didn't take her word seriously at all. UNTIL NOW.

  So, there was this guy that kept asking me questions on this and that instead of asking my course mate friend whom very clearly is as smart as me. The difference between us is she is model-skinny and I'm queen-sized mattress. =X So, why can't he ask her instead of me?

  While all the "small girls" get boys to really talk to them (a solid conversation that doesn't include assignments and tutorials), the big girls never. All I get is boys asking me 24-7 about homework and assignments. (Boys are supposed to be better in engineering?) So, I began thinking about what my roommate said and realised boys were constantly asking her about homework and the permission to copy her assignments and project info. Absolutely idiotic.

  Based on how and what I had for dinner today, I don't think I'm ever entering the skinny club. OH WELL!

Hello Me

  I'm right now in Selangor again. Yes, it feels so freaking good to be home. I love home people.
 
  Maybe you should listen to the pain of going home.

  My friends and I waited for the taxi like for an hour. The taxi guy forgot about us and asked his friend to take us. His friend never appeared for your information. I caught another taxi guy who sent us to the Malacca Central for RM25. Then, we missed the bus by just 6 minutes. We almost boarded a car whose driver said will take us to Selangor for just RM 25 one person. I called my mom and she told me to get the hell out of the car-which I did immediately with the others. Then, we took a bus which charged us RM 22.30 per person. It was soon to know that a boy took the same bus for just RM 12. We felt cheated to the extend I was so annoyed with everything. Watched 'Vampires Suck' on the bus. That movie really sucks.

  Today is and shall be the most embarrassing day of the week.

  First, I enter Mr. Zamari's(or is it Zamani?) class where he stresses out the facts of Uni life and how to find stuff online. It took a while but I realise he was saying what I had actually told my PA(PA stands for personally assistant-kidding). The culture-shock stuff. After going to so many schools in my life I still get culture shock-is there anything more impossible? Then, I bumped my head on the toilet bowl(the flushing thingy) and then on the wall where I tried to lean my head. In the Instrument Lab, Mr. Zamari clearly stated that collared T-shirts and no track bottoms were allowed. That was exactly what I was wearing. He also said something about not having your bag on the table-mine was fat and lying there obviously catching attention like a celebrity.

  And later I'll have my first Physics experiment. I wonder if I'll be allowed into the lab. I'm not properly dressed at all. Need more collared T's.

  Gosh, can you believe it? The day is just starting.

  I'm living on bread nowadays with nestum and milk as side dishes.

  What I learned here is you can't change everything. You have to learn other people's ways. You have to let go. letting go hurts but not letting go hurts worst.

Yeah People!

  I was suppose to be in some college doing something that will get me something near to Biology or Chemistry. Well, that's not happening, so I'm doing something with Physics even though I simply dislike it. Its been a week in UTeM and life's not so good. I miss family, toilets are so small, food not good, and I hate the fact that life is going to be full of Maths and Physics. I'm so sick in my heart I need to get a life. Sigh.

The best split is banana split

  The start of the week has made me realise I was far off behind the world. It also made me want to change the flaws I had and make up for mistakes and lost time. It was a romantic yet lonely night that made me ponder on splitting up with people. With absolutely no experience in love, the only relationships that has broken my heart is friendship.

  Having change schools for so many times it seems illegal, I have left so many people behind. Time after time. At the last year of school, everybody finally split up. Hemlatha's doing Sunway, Cheng Yi matriculation in Pahang, Shi Yee in between of Nottingham and awaiting reply from JPA, Hui Jun to America, Sheena in Sunway, Yi Ting for nursing and the others in form 6.

  Looking back, nothing is forever.

  I still remember the time I promised my primary 6 friend how both of us were going to go strong forever after graduation. It never happened. She forgot me, I moved on with life casually. Everyone will get busy, meet new friends, bury the old ones, and just move on.

  Splitting up is really hard. You feel you know that person inside out, and suddenly that person doesn't know you anymore. There will be times where you get insomnia at night and abruptly think of the people in the past and wonder how they are getting on with their lives. You will think of the good times, the bad times, and the moment where both of you didn't want to meet each other for no reason other than because its awkward to dig up old memories.

  I have split up with several friends and at the end of the day, I forget the bad times, the times I got hurt and hurt others in return, and keep the good memories deep in the core of my heart. Till today, the best split I have tasted is banana split.

She forgot to let go

  Once upon a time, there was a little girl who held on too tight to everything in her life. She pretended to be strong even when she wasn't, hoping for a miracle on rainy days. She believed that she would chase her dream, and everything would fall into place. Then, the truth sunk in-her dream wasn't coming true. There was no magic in this Disney-loving world. She had to let go. And made a mistake. She forgot to let go.

  When she finally gave up on her dream, her hope, her believe and the thought that miracles actually happened in life, she decided. She let go. She let go of her heart, which bled silently in the dark.

Trouble

  I'm really good at getting myself in trouble. Really really good. Like joining form 6 for a day and trying to get out of it. I don't believe I have to face the teacher tomorrow. This morning I woke up early, wore uniform, ate breakfast and rushed to school. Halfway through, I turned back. I didn't want to do form 6. I was absolutely positive to the core. I went to school...because...because I felt guilty for leaving stuff halfway like that. But I just couldn't force myself. Why am I always so...mercurial?

Choice

  In the morning a volcano erupted in my house. Mom and dad with me in the middle were lost. Simply lost. I love Biology with Physics as my ultimate enemy. Dad wants me to do engineering, mom supports my decision on Bio stuff. I feel lost. Simply lost.

  Unable to make a perfect decision, I hastily put on my uniform and literally flew to school-without bathing. I went there for form 6. Sounds like a taboo, right? I recycled my white blouse from last year's uniform and a black skirt I bought when I was 14 for a school club. I held a life cockroach in my hand freshly plucked from my so-long-didn't-wear black shoes I bought when I was form 4 for prefect.

  For a week, the form 6 will be having orientation. It pretty much involves being bullied by the upper six. For a start, we were given a briefing by Pn.Normala and the Asst. Principal. Something about how you can fail in form 6 even thought you are a straight A student in form 5. A perfect way to start the day yeah?

  Then, there was this ice-breaking session where I kinda screwed up. We were given odd and even numbers. The odd numbers students had to remember the even number students name and vice verse. After everyone got to know one another, they decided to choose a few lucky ones. As predicted, I was the unlucky one. He asked me a name of the boy from my school. I couldn't answer. My mind was blank. Simply blank like a A4 white paper. He was the boy who studied in my next door class (5A), he was the boy I talked to in the driving school, he was the boy who was really tall with specs that stood out in the crowd. And I didn't know his name. He looked at me. I blinked at him. And I spilled the truth. I don't know his name. He guy holding the mic laughed and asked how I could not know the boy from the same school. I clenched my teeth, not because I was angry, because I was truly embarrassed.

  The day passed with us doing the chicken dance twice and forming groups. We had to prepare a book to get the teachers and seniors(upper 6) signatures. Many are choosing to do the Bio stream instead of Physics. Seeing that, don't you think it would be easier to get a job if you had something to do with Physics like engineering?

  Its tough to make a decision when you love doing something but the other thing you dislike is what that holds opportunities for you. I understand you have to really love something if you want to succeed in it. I wonder how you study something you love and end up frustrated when you can't find the job demand.

   Choices are hard to make. Especially when you are trying really hard not to screw up your life. I'm not doing form 6 by the way. I got upu for engineering. So if my mind decides to face reality, I'll walk towards that direction.

Anugerah Cemerlang 2011

 It's the first time I attended such a function! It was..normal. I wore my Baju Kurung and silver shoes. Yup, the same thing I wore for my JPA. I'm so glad I bought a Baju Kurung. I actually love wearing it. Its super comfy!

  I went with my parents and got the number 36. I went and sat at my place. A plastic chair. I didn't get the booklet they were passing out as my mom took it. So I just sat there with my darling 'Fallen'. Teacher Maulud came over and asked me if I got any scholarships. I shrugged and told him the results were not out yet. Then he asked what I was getting the cert for and I said I didn't know before laughing. He looked at me once and just walked away. I was immediately consumed by embarrassment. How can you get an award not knowing why you were getting it for? I turned to the back and grabbed a girls booklet and streamed the pages to find my name-WRONGLY PRINTED. It was suppose to be Yuan but they smartly put Yuah. And I was getting it for pelajar cemerlang SPM 2010.

  Sitting there with darling(it's a book) I got somehow bored with irritation. So I flew to the back seat and chatted with Li Wen. That's the first time I actually talked to her. She is really nice. A Malay teacher came hushing us, threatening to push us to the back if we didn't zip our lips. Trust me, she was kindly ignored. I mean, you are out of school and still have to get scolded and threatened by teachers. After a few speeches and performances I carefully ignored averting all my attention to the chick next to me, we were all told to line up. I lined up and got ready to receive my prize. I casually talked to an Indian boy in front of me. He asked me if I have ever went to the gym. >.< I said yes of course. He stills does gym. I kept asking him if he was trying to get a hot chick to notice him or something. He said no. Obviously lying. Like I didn't know why boys even waste time to get all those scary muscles like Popeye the Sailor Man.

  So I went on stage, shook hands with some people I don't remember except my principal. Got down, waved goodbye to a few classmates who was leaving and sat down chatting with Gaa Mun and a few others. And then there was food! The tea, mee hoon, curry puff and purple kuih was delicious.

  The horror? In my certificate, my name is still Shu Yuah. Together with the cert comes a Domino's card (I wish it was Haagen-Dazs), two pens, a keychain with the school logo and a small clock. I was disappointed. WHERE IS THE MONEY?

  The best student was Joel Goh from my class with 8A+ and 1A. He is studying at KDU (A-levels) with scholarship. Another good fellow was God-loving Ginsky Chan. I plan to name my future dogs Joel and Ginsky. I want them to be smart, that's why. They proved that you didn't need to be in the first class to score excellence. (We were all classmates from 5B)

  Knowing that no student got 9A+ made me happy. I know its evil, but I was really knocked-in-the-ribs when I didn't get 9A+. A teacher complained saying that the girls were not dressed well, adding that the skirts worn were too short.

  So, that's for all with a message from Cheng Yi who is panicked-stricken for JPA.

I never want to grow up

        This is for Hemlatha and everyone out there who can't fight their age

  I'm so jealous of all the babies, toddlers, and young kids out there. Yes, all of you who are under 7 and still watching cartoons thinking Powerpuff Girls or Superman is going to safe the world. I mean just look at them! When they are facing any problems at all, all they do is cry. CRY. That's all and all their problems are solved. Fall down, cry. Things missing, cry. No sweets, cry. And they get what they want after that. Can I do the same? NO. Yes, I can cry. But after an hour or more of tears wasted, I'm still stuck with the same problem. Nobody saves me. Let's sue Disney, fairy tales are all fake. Sometimes I just wished somebody solved all my problems, met all my challenges, went through all the horrors for me. I just don't want to grow up okay?

  As you celebrate more birthdays, gain more wrinkles and crowfeet, become taller and in my case wider, your responsibility piles up too. It becomes so heavy you just want to run away and leave everything behind. Unfortunately, no matter how much you run, everything still catches up with you. I told my mom how tough it was becoming an adult, and she told me this was all part of life. I realise how much I never really matured. I still wanted mummy. I still wanted candy. I simply felt lost. How the hell do they get married at 18? I still watch cartoon. Being an adult is different. You start to think more. You start to lose your ignorance and lose bliss at the same time. You simply change into something called "adult". I remember vividly how I made conclusions adults don't know and understand how it's like to be a child or teenager when I was in primary. Looking back, I wonder if I would ever understand a kid or teen in another few years.

  I changed my life plan.

  I want to fail. I want to cry. I want to be criticized. And then I want to wear the biggest smile on my face, and face anything in life. I want to get up from my fall with my own strenght, not wanting any prince charming to save me. I want disappointment, criticism and pain to make me stronger, braver and wiser.

  My heart still hurts from my driving. Help me mend my broken heart.

  GROW UP KID! Fairy tales are fake.

My Last Day of Work

  So, no human being is going to call me "teacher" anymore. I'm cool with it.

  Today was my last day as a kindergarten teacher. I don't know, just when I start to actually like the job, I leave it. The new teacher is more experienced than me, having taught for 6 years. She teaches better, and seeing that the children will get better education, me leaving seems more than worth it. I feel grateful. Really. Seeing it's the last day, Mrs Wong bought me nasi lemak with chicken rendang. She was also the only one who held my hand and wished me good luck. The other teachers well.. teacher Radha was my favourite.Teacher Radha will be getting married next year January and will live in Johor Bahru!

Teacher Radha and me

  I wanted to take pictures of the building and all but teacher Vani told it wasn't a good idea at all. Apparently, dear principal didn't like people snapping pictures of her palace. *_* The place had CCTV okay?

  Still, I took pictures of the kids! Wait, blogger keeps telling me that I can't post them up due to some problems...+_+

  Well, it's weird but I work with teacher Veiji whose son studied in the same school as me and the next door class. (5A) And the problem here is I don't know her son yet I know his mother. Talk about "How I Met Your Mother".

  Cheers to my class kids- Bryan Shim, Hen Ree, Eason Tan, Ker Zhen, Kheng Yi, (my favourite for all the freaking times) Ian, Nicole, Xuen Yin, Fei Fei, Kai En, Xin Hui, Siew Yu, Fiona Tan.

  I know you guys will forget me and I will forget you guys too. All the best there!

  Friday, a day that starts the end of something.

Being fat is a crime

  The gym just called my mom. We stopped but we did not fill up the 'I-am-so-over-this' form so some crabby guy called to know why the hell we weren't paying our money.

  Yes, being fat is illegal. It means you are an alien and 'BEWARE' is stuck on your forehead, illuminating 24-7 in your life. It means food is your best friend and your worst enemy. It means people around you who know or don't know you thinks you stuff yourself 3 meals a day in your pathetic life with fast food.

  I flip through pages in newspapers and magazines and feel the world hates me. The first ad? "Have you discovered a safe and effective way to rid unsightly hair?" "Your ideal body line-now even easier to achieve than ever." "become whiter than white". Screw you. Screw the world.

  I'm hairy. I make the world faint in a bikini exposing my fat midriff and elephant thighs. Most importantly, I'm brown. Not chocolate brown, more like roasted chicken brown. I'm everything perfect people will have to disagree. Send me to approved school already!

  For as long as I can remember, I have had the toughest time in my life finding clothes. Clothes sold out there were always too small for me and clothes of larger sizes were branded and expensive. It'd kinda weird to look into the mirror and see a blob of fat. No muscles, tissue or anything. Just a large blob of fat rolling around when I move. The trainer at the gym thought I had KFC, Pizza Hut and MCD 3 meals a day everyday and repeatedly asked me when I told her no as if I was lying to her. You see, being fat is more than illegal.

  I don't use make-up. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

  So, I'm suppose to freaking lose weight to wear nice clothes and be normal for a bit.

To be hanged, drawn, and quartered

  That's right.

  I feel totally dead inside. Like some tornado had sucked the life out of me. I guess that is how it feels to work with kids when you just cannot handle them.

  Okay, I had a jolly good time picking my nose just now! XD

  Wait-back to the kids.

  Okay, first, I don't like the job. I don't adore children and go like 'Awwwwh! So cute!' I go more like 'Do not come near me, you are super-gross!' A boy sneezed right on my hand today. A boy hugged my thigh. A girl threatened to not buy anything for me when I told her to keep quiet. And then, there is the crying part. They go 'wewewe'. I just wish they all sat down and listened to me. They don't, seeing me in desperation-depression-out-of-control-full-of-misery apparently makes them happy.

  I have to prepare homework for them like no tomorrow. And, I feel cheated. When I first joined, I was told to be the Assistant Teacher. Not the MAIN teacher! I'm given assistant teacher salary which is so low compared to the main teacher salary! I took a day off to attend a wedding and they cut RM17 from my salary! Can you smell the evilness already?

  I totally feel depressed again for what I did. I thought of getting Hem and nut together but then realised that even if nut really like her, she was too good for him. She deserves someone better. Far better than nut.

  PS: Did I mention my only red pen and lovely plastic ruler got stolen by the children?

I was happy

  No, actually I'm feeling really broken.

  Can't tell you why.

  Back to my new life. Yes, the day I left school I started a new life. After quitting bakery job, I found myself a job at a nearby kindergarten. I still remember some no-brain told me working with kids were fun. NOT TRUE AT ALL!

  Let's talk about today. I woke up late and went to work at 7.30am knowing very well in my sane mind work started at 7.30am. I reached there at 7.40-7.45am and wrote in the long book at the counter 7.35am. Cool yeah? I put this big smile on my face and swaggered to my classroom. No time to do anything, I ran down to the playground.

  I don't like standing next to any adults when I'm working. Why? Because I don't bathe and go to work and smell like a 100 day old rotting socks.

  I simply cannot control children. More like they control me. My classroom is a complete mess. The kids take advantage of me.

  I had sore throat today to add on my misery.

  I was feeling sad. And depressed.

  One boy in my class got his tooth knocked out, so I was tooth fairy today.

  One boy cried non-stop just to play with toys.

  One boy hugged me when I threatened to steal his food. (I don't eat kids food)

  Kids are...cherubic.

  Now, the most hated part. Before going home, I have to send children home. This includes sending them into their cars, opening car doors and saying bye to parents.

  Life kind of sucks right now.

Remember Me?

  Right now I'm reading a book exactly with the same title. Just that... well, after years I'm still having problems with facebook. I know facebook helps you to connect with friends and everything. I found my primary six friend via facebook last week and ever since then been messaging him to know how he is. I was really excited(jumping and squeaking in my sleep) that after 6 years apart I would know how someone had changed. I told him about everything I still remembered about him like how he used to be my class monitor.(I'm really grateful I did not tell him I always thought my best friend at that time was secretly in love with him)

  He turned out to not remember me at all.

  I was very disappointed. Look, I know I'm transparent but to that extend?

  He didn't want to talk about anything we used to do in primary school. I just kept asking him questions and he kept replying. That was all. Clearly, he was very irritated by me. His answers were short and abbreviated and I could sense irritation in every reply.

  So today, I asked him one last question on facebook. 'Do you keep in touch with any primary friends?' I also told him that this was the last question. I would prepare myself to ignore and forget him completely.

  Some things are better left forgotten.

The world is a crazy place

  Naked  man in bank

  I went to the bank last week to be greeted by a naked beggar lying inside. I was shocked. Never have I seen a naked man lying around in my life! I ran to the car, my mom going into the bank to do her thing. I didn't want nightmares. Talking about being innocent.

  Facebook embarrassment

  Till now I am screaming inside and out about the comment I left on facebook that proved to the world I'm a total lunatic. It begins with this boy that i met in the gym that did not say 'Hi' to me. I called him and said 'Hi' just before I left the gym. Later he feels like a total jerk and writes on my wall saying he was sorry for not saying 'Hi' as he was too focusing. I read what he wrote wrongly and thought he did not say 'Hi' as I was too focusing. I commented I did not notice him as I was too focusing on the book I was reading. I know, simply idiotic. I left that comment on my wall for more than a week! I'm screaming again.(Don't bother)

  Never let go

  I went out with Gaa Mun on Saturday. I finally learned to let go. Credit goes to Gaa Mun. She made me realise when a relationship doesn't work out, both sides feel they hurt the most. I thought I was hurting the most. she made me realise I wasn't the only one. The past is the teacher, time is the healer.